Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
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I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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