i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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