I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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