why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
