i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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