Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
