I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
