I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
