I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i think my cat just said my name.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
