he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize