so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
