wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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