You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
