alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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