Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
