So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
