The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
