got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
