About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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