so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
