did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
