Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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