Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
