On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
