I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
