She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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