My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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