I am midnight drunk by noon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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