Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
