I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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