it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
