every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
