I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
