She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
