I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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