my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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