I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
