the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
