btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
