I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
