Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
