accomplished twins. life is a go
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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