I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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