During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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