I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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