you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
