my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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