I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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