I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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