I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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