There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Let's get the cat blown out
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
