I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
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if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize