I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
