I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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