Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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