I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
