Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
