You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
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i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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