you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
