mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
