I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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