Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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